Ash's Poetry Collection

Ash's Poetry

She needs to be protected

She Thinks I need the protecting

I’m sorry. That I’m not what you were expecting

but I am trying

I am trying

To be better for her.

To be better for him and them but

I’m sure

That betters never gonna beat best

And yet I stand test after test

Papers piled by my toes

Tears drop from my nose

Trading blow for blow

They nod like they know

But they don’t know

No one does

Spending your life chasing a buzz

And yes I try

Watched by

her judgment eyes

Asking why

Why bother to continue

When the old is the same as the new

When the colors all fade to that one shade of blue

Surrounded by the people you feel like you’re drowning in an ocean of pretenders

So you reach out your hand the way she extended hers

Months ago.

Feels like years

Since she wiped those tears

Held you close

Like no one does

And said she knew

What you had been through

Searching for your buzz

Every cut and tear

Ripping of hair from your scalp

A cry for help

But no one hears you crying

They just think she’s not trying

But I am I’m doing everything that I can

And while I’m here with you.

Surrounded by people It’s stupid but it’s true.

I feel so alone.

So tell me that you know

What’s like to feel alone I’m the middle of crowd It’s all too loud

But it’s way too quiet

You try to take a deep breathe but your muscles are too tense

And you know

There’s nothing that could be louder than a deafening silence

So you put back up your fence

Cowering cowardly behind the wall you built

They think you’re strong again, of course, they’re thrilled

But behind that front you only get weaker

So here I am

Pushing words through a speaker

Peeking through a hole in the fence

Telling you that I know I know for a fact you’re not alone

So when we nod just know it’s not in sympathy it’s in solidarity

We feel just like everyone does

We’re all just looking for a buzz

Chasing a high

That leaves you battered and broken and all you need to remember to tell yourself is I am trying. And maybe sometimes I’m crying

But this weakness only proves that I’m stronger than I ever was

If you can’t live for you live because others can’t cope with your loss

There is so much more than pain

I think I'm starting to understand

I think I'm starting to begin.

I realize that we are human

we are flawed

we are raw and

hurt and beautiful

I appreciate things now

Tastes, smells, feelings

Inside I'm told that maybe I'm pretending

to feel like this

It's what I'm supposed to feel

But I scream back at them,

why is that so loud?

May you find comfort in my lies

and someday

we shall find freedom in truth.

Maybe someday you'll miss me like you miss her.

But until then, I will stay by your side,

I will wipe the tears away from your face,

And I will pretend not to be

bothered by the way she makes you feel.

She broke your heart and I am not the one to fix it.

You need a stronger glue.

Maybe you'll look back and realize

that I'm so much more to you than she ever was.

But for now, I am nothing more than a temporary,

But I'll be your sticky tape until you find your glue.

What is time?

We are told it is endless, We are told it is infinite.

But we are also told that life is short

To live every day as if it were the last

If I were to do this,

How many hearts would I break?

How many souls would I damage?

How many fragile people would suffer?

And what about me?

I wouldn't eat, to look thin in my coffin, I wouldn't care what happened to me.

I would slowly poison my system, hoping to feel pain again until I die.

Pills beckon me, needless smirk, and smoke swirls in the air.

Do not live like today is your last, for that doesn't seem much like living.